Crime

Man’s Meth Missing, Officer Friendly Helps

CAYCE, SC – A man in South Carolina called police to his home to help him find his missing bag of meth.

I always thought Officer Friendly was a myth- some fairy tale they told you in elementary school, like Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny, or the Honest Politician.

Turns out Officer Friendly is real. A meth-head in Cayce, SC met him.

When the unnamed 24 year-old, who is a strong contender for Dumbest Criminal of 2018, went to indulge in his favorite narcotic this past Sunday, he was mortified to find that his meth was missing.

He could have taken this development as a warning from the Good Lord Above not to speed on Sunday, but he didn’t.

He could have run amok and gotten all stabby with the other denizens of his lair (the most popular response to missing meth), but he didn’t.

He could have even gone out and bought more meth. Nope.

You’d never guess what he did in a million years if the headline didn’t give it away.

He did what no right-minded Methdude would do: he called the cops to report the theft. And they came right over.

When the Officer Friendly squad arrived, he told them that he was down two grams and he wanted them to arrest “whoever the thief was.”

Well, he could have just misplaced the meth. They helped him look for it.

They looked high, they looked low. Nothing. Not a gram to be found anywhere, and not for lack of trying.

Just when everyone thought those grams were gone forever, a helpful woman in the house handed them a baggie of meth.

She had been hiding it from Methdude, she said, “so he wouldn’t use it.”

Problem solved, right? Missing meth found, and all is well with the world, right? Not so fast.

Methdude said it wasn’t his meth. Well, shit.

At this point, every cop I’ve ever met would have placed Helpful Woman under arrest for possession, and Methdude for maintaining a dwelling for the purpose of keeping or selling narcotics. Because meth.

There would have been resistance, chokeholds, maybe a taser deployment.

Not the Officer Friendly squad of the Cayce police department.

“Not your meth? All-righty then, we will be on our way, sir. Of course, we have to take the meth, you understand, in case we find the rightful owner.”

“Oh, yeah, man, that’s cool. I really appreciate y’all!”

“Happy to be of service! So sorry about the missing meth, do try to have a nice evening.”

“Y’all too! Be safe!”

No charges were filed.

Wonder what they would do if they found someone fucking a miniature pony?

This article was written by Old Man Metal for The Dreamin Demon – the Internet’s self-appointed buzzkill.

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