Crime

Bernard may lose his magic watch after being accused of using it for evil

Screenshot from David Cobham YouTube channel

Over 20 years after first receiving his magic watch that can stop and rewind time, Bernard Beasley has been accused of using the watch’s unique functionality to commit a number of crimes and sexual improprieties

Reporting by time travel correspondent Emmett Brown

Bernard Beasley, 33, of Oakwood in Nottinghamshire, has been accused by numerous unnamed parties of using his magic watch to commit a range of offences ranging from the fairly trivial to the downright prison-worthy.

The alleged offences — dating from 1997 all the way through to just a few months ago — include upskirting, kidnapping, jeopardising the safety of an aircraft, impersonating a police officer, actual bodily harm and various instances of violating copyright law.

According to the class action these offences define a narrative of Beasley’s gradual criminal escalation that started within months of him first being given the watch by a kind postman who recognised that the boy was late for everything.

All this likely started when Bernard was a curious boy who was suddenly given the opportunity to look up girls’ skirts during school discos. After that early misbehaviour went undetected he likely felt the confidence to further push what he could get away with.

This allegedly took the form of stopping time to let down the tyres of a Boeing 747 Max, kidnapping the girl from The Queen’s Nose as he wanted to obtain the magic coin, punching the Demon Headmaster in the face after a minor disagreement and also grabbing the tit of Michaela Strachan while guesting on The Really Wild Show.

The accusations largely come from those who formerly worked on the show as they became increasingly suspicious about Beasley’s conduct as the original series progressed through its four-year run. Few people know that the show is based on real events and that the watch works in the real world just as it does in the programme.

Of course there is zero legal precedent for punishing offences where time was stopped during the commission of the alleged crime and where the victims have no memory of what has been done to them.

According to the rules of owning the watch, Bernard should have lost possession of it when committing any crime but the postman — who would be responsible for taking back ownership of the watch — mysteriously died around a decade ago.

This lack of accountability has led all the major political parties to suggest new legislation for how the use of magic watches can be properly controlled.

Labour has suggested a 97% tax on the watches so no one can afford to ever buy one again, the Conservatives have touted a mandatory buyback scheme on all watches, the Lib Dems want to have a referendum on the issue which they’ll later campaign to reverse and the SNP want to use the watches to reverse time back to the 1700s when Scotland was last an independent sovereign state.

Beasley is yet to comment on the accusations although it is possible that he has already commented and has simply turned back time to a period when he hadn’t agreed to give a statement. Spooky.

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